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It made me happy to put two copies of Why Did Grandma Put Her Underwear in the Refrigerator, by Max Wallack & Carolyn Given, in the mail this evening. I hope my winners, Becky and Cyndy, enjoy their books. Thanks to Max for sending me a second copy for the giveaway!
I’ll be honest, I’m struggling a bit at the moment and I can’t entirely put my finger on it. I think some of it has to do with dissatisfaction/frustration in one particular area of my life, but it’s more than that.
I’ve been disenchanted, uninspired, and on the verge of (and in) tears all week. I owe articles and responses and reviews to people, and I just haven’t had the emotional or creative wherewithal to do any of it. Even the things that usually excite and inspire me are leaving me feeling flat right now.
Tomorrow is my birthday; next Saturday is my mom’s. The first without her. Although she really hadn’t been “here” for quite a long time, just being able to sit with her, see her smile, hold her hand – I realize now what a priceless gift that was… I would trade all of my worldly possessions for just five minutes with her, although I can’t imagine having to say goodbye again when that time came.
Sometimes I don’t think I’ve come that far at all in the almost 10 months since her passing. Right now, it feels so fresh; I feel as though I could cry enough tears to fill the ocean. I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad, so for her, I try… but it’s hard as hell sometimes. I #%!$ing hate Alzheimer’s with every fiber of my being…
The Long and Winding Road... 
Wow, Ann! I could have written this myself. It’s been a little over a year since my mom died and I still struggle with missing her – more the woman she was before time, dementias, Alzheimer’s Disease, and congestive heart failure slowly robbed her of her vitality and strength – and it seems the longer she’s gone, the more it sinks in as being real and the more I come to grips with it and try to carry on hers and my dad’s legacies.
I keep telling myself that their wishes and desires for me to move forward and try to change the world positively as they did are the greatest gifts I will give them, so I plod along, like you, at times stuck and unable to go forward or backwards, but moving a little ahead in the long run, nonetheless.
Although I grieved as strongly when my dad died 15 years ago this month, I still had Mom and my promise to him and her that I would help her after his death, so I threw myself into that along with my career and I was busy and productive. Now, after Mom’s death, it seems as though my usefulness and the need for me by anyone else has come to an end and that’s, I believe, is part of what has made Mom’s death harder (I wrote about this in http://goinggentleintothatgoodnight.com/2013/06/12/you-will-never-be-the-same-again/).
Be kind to yourself, patient with yourself, and gentle with yourself. Healing takes time and it’s a process. Life and others may have moved on and are unwilling to give us the time required. We must take it. But we must also carry on. That’s what our parents would do – and, did, in the case of both of mine who lost their own parents early in their lives – and we are their legacies.
Big hugs to you!
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Thanks so much for your comments, Sandra. Your encouragement and words of wisdom mean a lot. I think you’re right about the fact that as time passes and reality sets in, the pain ebbs and flows – it’s different than the initial grief, but equally difficult.
I’ve added your book and blog to my resource pages, too. I’m sure others will find your experiences very helpful.
Thanks again, and (((hugs))) to you, too. ~Ann
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