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The Long and Winding Road…

~ An Alzheimer's Journey and Beyond

The Long and Winding Road…

Category Archives: Holidays

The Return of Holiday Traditions Filled With Love

12 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Caregivers, Grieving, Holidays, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Ruminations, Smiles

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

alzheimers, caregiving, christmas with alzheimers, dementia, grief, holiday traditions, holidays with alzheimers

I honestly can’t believe it’s been a year since my mom lost her battle to Alzheimer’s.

Before her passing, I guess I didn’t know much about grief. I thought I did; after all, I’d been grieving for years as I watched her slow agonizing decline. Indeed, that was a form of grief, but not the same as what I’ve been experiencing over the past year.

Last weekend felt like a bit of a turning point. On a cold, blustery winter day, I felt the warmth of Mom’s loving presence as I thought about holidays past.

Over the course of our Alzheimer’s journey, holiday traditions gradually slipped away. Somehow, it was easier to create new rituals than it would have been to try and carry on old ones. Without the woman who had always been at the center of our celebrations, the holidays didn’t feel like the holidays anymore.

Bittersweet Memories

My mom loved to bake, and at our house Christmas meant TONS of cookies. When I was growing up, it was nothing for her to make a dozen or more different kinds, all from recipes handed down over the years. Our kitchen smelled heavenly as batch after batch came out of the oven. For friends, family, and co-workers, the approach of the holidays meant Marilyn’s cookies were just around the corner!

When Alzheimer’s entered the scene, Mom’s baking tapered off, and for a while I continued. However, as she got worse, it just didn’t hold the same appeal. We made pizzelles together for the last time in 2009, and by then, her attention span and focus was such that after a few cookies, she lost interest. My favorite memory of that year was watching her eat them “hot off the press” – I don’t think any of her cookies even made it to the cooling tray!

Years earlier, we had stopped making hardtack candy, another tradition that dated back more than four decades. Each Thanksgiving, the thought crossed my mind – I should make the candy – but, at the end of the day, without Mom, what was the point?

Feeling Her Presence

And now here we are, 2013. The first snow has fallen, the stores are filled with excited shoppers, and Christmas lights are popping up all over the neighborhood. Last year at this time, I was at Mom’s bedside in a hospice facility. Waiting. Thinking. Wondering. Praying.

Last weekend, I made the hardtack candy for the first time ever without her expert hand and watchful eye. It felt like the rekindling of a beloved tradition. As the syrup bubbled on the stove, the intense scent of lemon and spearmint oils filled the kitchen, and a dusting of misdirected powdered sugar covered the floor, I felt pretty certain her expert hand and watchful eye were still with me after all.

This coming Sunday will mark one year since Mom’s death, and my daughter and I have dubbed it “Gram’s cookie day.” We’ll spend the day baking, laughing, and most importantly remembering the good times.

It feels good to bring back these traditions, and I know it’s what she would want…

Following Your Heart

This is such a challenging time of year for Alzheimer’s families regardless of what stage your loved one is in – or if they’re no longer here with you. We simply do the best we can, follow our hearts, and seek out joyful moments.

How are you handling the holidays? Are you carrying on old traditions or do you find that new ones are beginning to evolve.

Whatever you’re planning, remember to be kind to yourself…

Happy Holidays…

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Catch the Spirit

12 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Holidays, Inspiration, Ruminations

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

christmas, holiday stress

wheelThe pace of the world as we know it these days is beyond disturbing. Things – everything – moves too fast. Multitasking is a way of life; in fact, I recently realized it is impossible for me to do one thing at a time – I just don’t feel right unless I’ve got at least two or three balls in the air at once, at home, at work, and even in the car! It’s crazy, not to mention exhausting. And at the holidays, the madness tends to increase exponentially.

I wrote the following post in December 2003. It isn’t about Alzheimer’s or caregiving, but it’s definitely about life, and I think it resonates with me now even more than it did ten years ago.

I hope this piece serves as a reminder to slow down, focus on what’s truly important, and enjoy the holiday season…

 

 

Catch the Spirit

December 17, 2003

As I sit here alone at the end of my day, the house is quiet and dark, lit only by the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree and the glare of the laptop’s display panel.  A sparse dusting of snow has fallen and the mercury will likely plunge to icy-cold depths tonight.

My workday was hectic as usual and I opted to forgo lunch in order to escape the office early for some errand running.  Little did I know those errands would prompt such a conundrum of thoughts in my overactive, ever-churning brain.

Drained by the day’s frenzy, yet wound tighter than a rubber band perched for launch, I was more than ready to switch gears when I hit the road shortly after 3:30.  With holiday music playing on the radio and a light powdery snow falling gently from above, I thought about the fact that Christmas is just one week away.

treeWith each year, time passes more quickly.  The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is gone in the blink of an eye; holiday preparations are rushed, and it seems as though there is less and less time to actually soak up the spirit of the season.

This year, I made a conscious decision to simplify.  Rather than putting up two trees, I did one.  Instead of dragging out every single Christmas decoration from the many I have collected over the years, I pulled out only those that struck me as most cherished the day I set to the task of “decking the halls.”

As for baking, I decided there would be no rushing to squeeze in all the hours it takes to make a dozen different kinds of cookies.  Instead, I opted for two traditional favorites – Aunt Flora’s pizzelles and my soft cutout sugar cookies.   It just wouldn’t be Christmas without those.  Even the process of shopping for gifts was simplified as much as possible through use of the Internet.

My deliberate attempt at holiday simplification was definitely a tradeoff.  Sure, I find myself missing some of those extra decorations and lights that are still tucked away in their boxes, and I would love to have my usual extensive assortment of homemade cookies with which to adorn holiday trays.  But, at some point, something has to give.

This year, I actually enjoyed the 4 hours or so that it took to lovingly press each of those pizzelle cookies. I wasn’t nearly as rushed as in past years, so I was able to relish the warmth emanating from the iron and the scent of anise seed and sweet pizzelle dough as it wafted through the air.

Since I’d pared down my decorations, I took my time trimming the tree.  I sat for hours sorting through the ornaments – taking time to place them just perfectly and think about the history and fond memories each special ornament holds.

This past weekend, we even took a ride to look at Christmas lights, something we hadn’t done in years.  And, over the past couple of weeks, I’ve tried to spend some quiet time now and then in the evening, just enjoying holiday music and the magic of our very special tree.

Even with all of this, I feel as though the holiday season is passing me by.  The evenings are short and the weekends even shorter.

It all makes me wonder about life and the ridiculous pace at which we run.

In the past two days, I have witnessed three drivers blatantly run red lights.  I’m not referring to sneaking through as yellow turned to red, but rather RUNNING the full-fledged-red light at a dangerous rate of speed.  Fortunately, in all three instances, other drivers were alert and disaster was averted.

Are people in that big of a big hurry?   Has the holiday rush made everyone kick up their pace yet another notch?  Or are people just so consumed by their ever-growing to do lists that they have become oblivious to their surroundings?  How much is too much?

xmas background half2Twice in the past week, I have been in stores and seen people rifling through racks while carrying on lengthy, rather loud, cell phone conversations.   I am one who has always defended appropriate use of cell phones.  Mine is a great convenience to me; however, I find it hard to believe that anyone has a 30-minute conversation that is so pressing it must be carried out in public for the entire world to hear.   Can’t these things wait?

What is happening to our society?

Based on life as we know it today, I truly fear for where we will be in 10 or 20 years if this pattern continues.

Priorities have become a tangled up mess, and for too many people, the things that bring true happiness are nowhere near the top of the list.   There is certainly no time for dreams or setting truly fulfilling personal goals.

People displaying road rage as they make their way from one pre-holiday sale to the next – where will it end?

The next time you’re waiting in line in a store or sitting in traffic, take time to observe those around you.  How many people are on cell phones?   Compare the number of friendly faces you see with the number of scowls.  How many instances of road rage do you witness in a week?  And, how many of the people you pass by in a day look as if they are stressed to wit’s end?

So many people just living day to day, minute to minute – not even LIVING, but merely existing.  From the moment the alarm sounds at dawn, until their weary heads hit the pillows in the wee hours, people are just going through the motions.  Crossing things off the to-do list, paying the bills if just barely, scurrying to meet unrealistic deadlines and goals dictated by others, running hither and thither never really accomplishing anything of great significance.

This year, before it’s too late, I challenge you to slow down and catch the holiday spirit.  Don’t let it go – grab it.  Enjoy the simple things.  Don’t let the intense commercialism fool you; Christmas isn’t about the material things.  Without hesitation, I would trade it all for simpler times and a more serene world.

In the words of John Lennon, life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.

Each of us only gets one life; make the best of everyday…do what makes you happy; make a difference in the lives of those you love and those you may not even know.

And, Happy Holidays.  Now, go catch the spirit – before it’s too late.

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Reasonable Expectations: Key to a Happy Holiday

24 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Caregivers, Eason House, Expectations, Grieving, Helpful Resources, Holidays, Mom, Ruminations, Tips

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

alzheimers, alzheimers expectations, caregiving, dementia, holidays

turkeyIt’s that time of year, and we’re seeing lots of tips on how to handle the holidays once Alzheimer’s comes calling. For me, it can be boiled down to these three words: Have reasonable expectations.

One of the easiest – and most dangerous – traps to fall into is building the holiday up in your mind, and creating a Norman Rockwell-esque image that probably wouldn’t be realistic even in the best of times. Nine times out of ten, doing so is going to result in stinging disappointment. It took me a long time to learn this, but it finally happened in 2010.

We had moved my mom into a beautiful residential memory care home, and I was envisioning the most perfect Thanksgiving. In my mind’s eye, the table was set beautifully, the food was delicious, and everyone was smiling. But I didn’t just imagine it; I was determined to make it happen. Instead, the day went something like this:

* Making Lemonade Out of Lemons… or Margaritas Out of Tequila

Donna Reed-kitchenDamn if I didn’t conjure up a glorious vision of mom having a great day and even helping me in the kitchen (I think in my vision, we were even wearing spiffy pumps with 2-inch heels and cute little gingham aprons trimmed in lace). Fantasyland. Big. Mistake.

Kitchen activities commenced at home last night, where I baked the pies and made our favorite cranberry sauce and salad. This morning, I did the candied sweet potatoes then loaded the car with all the prepared food plus fixin’s for mashed potatoes, corn, and stuffing. I had pre-ordered a fresh turkey and dropped it off at Eason House earlier in the week.

Reality Sets In

My fantasy began to crumble about seven-eighths of a second after I arrived at the house. When I went inside, it was very apparent that mom was having another “one of those days”. She was stony and silent – despondent. I quickly grabbed one of the pies and cut her a slice thinking I could turn things around.

Alas, she lit up at the sight of the pie and ate every single bite. Unfortunately, when it was gone she fell right back into her funk.

I was there for about seven hours, and aside from a few moments here or there, she was inconsolable. There were a few small stretches where she let me rub or back or head and hold her hand, but the vast majority of the day consisted of her pacing, screaming, sobbing, standing out in the rain, pulling her hair, and hitting. To put it mildly, it was awful. 

There is nothing worse than seeing her that way and not being able to do a single thing for her. She doesn’t want to be touched, talked to, or comforted. And she is very good at letting us know it.

I’ve never experienced such a feeling of complete and utter helplessness.

On days like today, I know there are moments of clarity where she realizes things aren’t right and that just frustrates, angers, and scares her more. Based on her facial expressions and behavior, I can’t begin to fathom what’s going on in her mind, but whatever it is, it’s horrendous.

The Show Must Go On

boiling-panI went ahead and cooked dinner, but all the while, my stomach was churning, my heart was breaking, and my own mind was going in a million directions.

Who is this woman?
   What can I do to help?
      Get me out of here.
         What if I’m doomed to the same fate?
            Why didn’t I bring a bottle of wine?
               Is this *really* my mother?
                  Am I in the middle of a bad dream?
                     Will she let me hug her?
                        Can I convince her to taste this stuffing?
                           Should I try to talk to her or back off and give her space?
                              Why can’t ice cream fix everything??

When it was all said and done, Mom’s caregivers sat down to dinner with Jess and I. I’m not sure I even tasted my food; it all just landed in a heap in the pit of my stomach. Mom wouldn’t come to the table, but after we finished, I did coax her over with another piece of pie.

Next Year: Thanksgiving in Bora Bora?

autumn-leavesSlowly, the rest of the ladies arrived home after having dinner with their families. The house was a bit chaotic with a lot of conversation and activity, which just adds to mom’s agitation. Eventually, everyone left and the house was once again quiet.

One of the ladies was hungry, so Susie fixed her a plate and she raved about how delicious the meal was. That, along with a text from Jess (“Thanks for a great meal!”) was the highlight of the day.

Quite honestly, I don’t care if I never cook another turkey in my life… celebrating Thanksgiving on a deserted island sounds like a spectacular plan, in fact.

(*Excerpt from post written November 25, 2010)

Well, as I recall, that night ended with a margarita (or two) and a vow to start a new Thanksgiving tradition which we did the following year.

Right up until the end of her life, I had remind myself to keep my expectations in check, but after that day, it became a little easier. It was all about realizing that the holidays would never be what they once were, but we could still have some incredible moments of joy.

 

Related Articles
Holidays & Alzheimer’s Families
Holiday Hoopla
The Alzheimer’s Caregiver: Tips for the Holidays
Grief and the Holidays: 10 Personal Tips for Grievers
Approaching the Holiday Season as an Alzheimer’s Caregiver
Grief Healing: Coping with the Holidays
8 Tips For a Great Holiday Season

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