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photoIt made me happy to put two copies of Why Did Grandma Put Her Underwear in the Refrigerator, by Max Wallack & Carolyn Given, in the mail this evening. I hope my winners, Becky and Cyndy, enjoy their books. Thanks to Max for sending me a second copy for the giveaway!

I’ll be honest, I’m struggling a bit at the moment and I can’t entirely put my finger on it. I think some of it has to do with dissatisfaction/frustration in one particular area of my life, but it’s more than that.

I’ve been disenchanted, uninspired, and on the verge of (and in) tears all week. I owe articles and responses and reviews to people, and I just haven’t had the emotional or creative wherewithal to do any of it. Even the things that usually excite and inspire me are leaving me feeling flat right now.

Tomorrow is my birthday; next Saturday is my mom’s. The first without her. Although she really hadn’t been “here” for quite a long time, just being able to sit with her, see her smile, hold her hand – I realize now what a priceless gift that was… I would trade all of my worldly possessions for just five minutes with her, although I can’t imagine having to say goodbye again when that time came.

Sometimes I don’t think I’ve come that far at all in the almost 10 months since her passing. Right now, it feels so fresh; I feel as though I could cry enough tears to fill the ocean. I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad, so for her, I try… but it’s hard as hell sometimes. I #%!$ing hate Alzheimer’s with every fiber of my being…