I feel like I hit a low point today. Got to the house about 9:30a when the doc arrived, and Mom was sitting quietly in the recliner. She looked angry at the world, but she was calm. She did really well as the nurse took her vitals, and doc gave her the once over. I count that as a win. Things started out on a fairly positive note.

Talked to doc about care plan, and we were on the same page.

1. Let the antibiotic do its thing; get rid of the UTI.
2. Monitor blood pressures following 50% cut in diltiazem.
3. If issues continue, stop diltiazem and possibly inderal.
4. Switch back to lorazepam for prn.
5. Pray like crazy.

Okay, number 5 was my personal addition, but it’s a must.

After doc left, Mom looked very drowsy, and I thought she was going to go to sleep, but instead, she slowly ramped up until I decided it was time for a lorazepam, which…. didn’t do a whole lot other than make her very unsteady on her feet – a very bad thing since all she wanted to do was walk. Would.not.sit.still. Couch, recliner, love seat, chair, back to recliner… sitting just wasn’t in the cards.

It struck me today how very thin she looks; she has definitely lost more weight. Today’s intake was just two Ensures, some ice cream, a glass of juice and a glass of water. Maybe it’s time to look into hospice again as much as the thought of it makes my hair stand on end… I don’t know. I think that’s the thing right now. I am feeling at the height of helplessness and frustration and quite simply don’t know what to do next.

But I digress…  So, did I mention how unsteady on her feet she was after the lorazepam? On one of our many walks from the front room to the living room, I felt her begin to wobble, but it was too late. I had my right arm around her back and did a decent job of breaking her fall; luckily she ended up on her butt with her back against the recliner. Annoyed, but thankfully not hurt. I did a number on my bad wrist and landed hard on my right knee. A few hours later, and after icing it, the swelling has gone down quite a bit. I’m sure I’ll live.

Even after that fall, I could not keep her in a chair. One thing is for sure, stubbornness is a trait I come by honestly. No two ways about it, the day got the best of me. Not long after the doctor left, my head was throbbing and it got progressively worse throughout the afternoon, as I felt like my insides were doing somersaults. For whatever reason, I was a big bag of nerves today.

Mom didn’t scream all that much, but she cried almost all day long – no tears, but head in hands sobbing, as if terribly distraught about something. Also lots of picking at her clothes, grabbing and fussing with the blanket, reaching out into the air, and futzing with imaginary things in her hands. Extremely unsettled.

Just about the time I thought I was headed off the deep end, she would snap out of it and smile for a split second or say ‘I love you,’ which tore me apart – again for some reason things were getting to me more than usual. When she reached up and started stroking my face, I lost it – for a few minutes, my emotions got the best of me.

Finally, about an hour after 3pm meds, she fell asleep…

I cancelled my plans for tonight, came home, took some Excedrin migraine, turned off all the lights and lit candles, got a fire going, propped and iced my knee and drifted in and out of a light sleep for awhile. When you open your eyes on a Saturday morning and realize immediately that you feel like burying your head under the covers for the next six months, you know it’s probably not going to be a great day.

I hope a good night’s rest will allow me to wake up tomorrow morning feeling much stronger and more resilient than I felt today…