6pm:  Sitting here at Eason House, and Mom is sawing logs. It’s soooo nice to see her sleeping peacefully. She was awake and restless a good bit of the day. Wouldn’t eat or drink anything until about 5pm when she finally drank a butter pecan “milkshake” (aka Ensure). I guess something is better than nothing.

Debby was here with us for a good bit of the afternoon and brought Mom the most precious, softest stuffed dog I have ever seen. There is something very special about him. He has angel wings…

9pm:  Back at home for the night. I am emotionally drained, but thankfully can still see some blessings amongst all the weeds that make up this really sh*tty situation. God has put such wonderful people in our path, and for that I am beyond grateful.

Mom was restless once she woke up from her nap, and I can’t even find the words to explain how difficult it is to watch her wrestle with whatever has her so conflicted. If only we could understand what’s going through her head and what is weighing so heavily on her; maybe then, we could help.

I got her up and walking around with me a bit this evening, in hopes of giving her a distraction. Not sure it was much of a success, but at least she was moving. We sat in the kitchen for awhile – change of scenery – and as she began nodding off, we went back to the recliner. When I left, she was awake, but fairly peaceful… Today, it was as though she was absolutely exhausted, but when she closed her eyes, it was rarely for more than a minute or two. Something in her head just wouldn’t let her rest.

A few of today’s special moments…

I arrived after work to find mom sleeping peacefully; unfortunately, that peaceful state did not last long enough. She woke, and I was able to get her to drink 8 oz of Ensure, but she was agitated all evening. She is fighting with someone that she can definitely see and reach out and touch, but we will never know for sure who it is or what she’s so angry about. There are no words to describe how painful it is to watch her struggle.

When I left tonight, she had once again found a peaceful place and was sleeping in the recliner…  I am praying she is able to have a restful night.

The past week has been quite a roller coaster ride. My mom has taken a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking last Saturday. We can get her to drink some Ensure or a few sips of juice or tea now and then, but she’s even turning down ice cream – her favorite thing in the world. She is sleeping anywhere from 12-14 hours/day.

…It’s funny, I thought I was prepared for this, but I guess you are never truly ready…

While this week has been heart wrenching, I am so thankful for the time I’ve been able to spend with her. I was at the house for about 30 hours straight Tuesday/Wednesday, and we had some beautiful moments that I will cherish forever.

The most difficult part of all of this is seeing her struggle, and unfortunately during waking hours, she is often very restless and doing a lot of screaming, hitting and biting herself, and several other things that are sure signs of frustration and dismay.

I am taking some comfort in the fact that I feel certain she actually does know who I am, and she is most definitely responding to me in a special way. I have also been comforted by a few things that have happened in the past week that feel like signs. Signs that everything is going to be okay, that God is here with us, and while none of this makes sense, He has us in His care.

I took the photo below last night. I’ve been very careful about what pictures I want to take during this time, but I knew I had to capture this moment. When she is awake, she often stares at the ceiling. She is definitely seeing something very beautiful and comforting, as she always appears peaceful and content when she does this.

During these moments, her eyes are almost glistening with wonder. It is nearly impossible to get her attention – she is very focused. Watching this is surreal, but it gives me a sense of peace as well. There’s not a doubt in my mind that the angels are preparing her beautiful wings in anticipation of her arrival… and I think she’s watching them. She’s so tired, so worn out from all she’s been through in the past decade, and she knows that soon she will be whole again…

A friend shared this with me yesterday, and it is so helpful when I begin to feel lost.

Be still, and know that I am God