• Home
  • Helpful Resources
  • Reading List
  • Recommended Blogs
  • Marilyn’s Legacy: A World Without Alzheimer’s
  • About Me
  • Contact Me

The Long and Winding Road…

~ An Alzheimer's Journey and Beyond

The Long and Winding Road…

Category Archives: Saying Goodbye

Oh how the years go by…

06 Saturday Jan 2018

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Advocacy and Awareness, Face of Alzheimer's, Life After Caregiving, Marilyn's Legacy, Mom, Ruminations, Saying Goodbye

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alzheimers, celebration of life, dementia, grief and loss, mothers and daughters

Five years ago today, we celebrated my mom’s life; a very special day, that cold Saturday in January. Italian food, free-flowing wine, many dear friends and family members, love, laughter, and of course, tears. The gathering culminated in a balloon release that she would have loved.

The sight of those magnificent pearlescent purple and white balloons floating skyward literally took my breath away. It was a symbolic and bittersweet moment I’ll always remember. She had finally been released from the agonizing pain that plagued her in the final stage of Alzheimer’s, yet I had lost my beautiful mama.

Gratitude and the searing ache of loss intertwined in a way I never realized possible.

As the years go by, it almost feels like a dream. It’s hard to imagine that our decade-long journey was real, and that this disease – THIS brain ravaging monster – would take such a strong, intelligent, independent woman.

Here’s to you, Mom. There isn’t a day that goes by that you aren’t on my mind.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Goodbye 2017: Onward and Upward

01 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Caregivers, Grieving, Guilt and Regrets, Life After Caregiving, Ruminations, Saying Goodbye

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

2018, alzheimers, caregiving, grief, grieving, life after alzheimers, long distance caregiving, losing the second parent, loss of passion, new year

Years ago, when pondering names for this blog, I chose the tagline “An Alzheimer’s Journey and Beyond.” The tagline stems from the life-altering nature of the Alzheimer’s experience and the fact that a new kind of life exploration continues long after Alzheimer’s ends. This post falls into the “and beyond” category.


As I sit ruminating on 2017, I would have to say I’m happy to put it in the past and begin anew. I can’t find the words to describe the past year in simple, straightforward prose and I suppose that’s appropriate as it wasn’t a simple year in terms of emotional turmoil.

February was the beginning of a steep decline in my dad’s health. He had suffered from heart problems for 25+ years, but what we were seeing was notably different. His CHF was becoming increasingly problematic and between February and June, he was hospitalized at least four times.

Dad’s determination to remain independent until the end made long-distance caregiving exceedingly difficult. Aside from twice-to-thrice weekly visiting nurses ordered by his long-time cardiologist and daily Meals on Wheels (which he loathed and barely ate), he refused any sort of help. And the fact was, he needed assistance.

I made the 7-hr round-trip drive 2-3 weekends per month, but it wasn’t enough to manage all that needed to be done.  I loved my dad dearly, but he wasn’t easy to handle – he was depressed, angry, stubborn as a mule, and no doubt frightened as well; all of that combined could bring out a mean streak that was unpleasant at best. He often lost sight of the fact that I was simply trying to help.

June 2016

In my heart of hearts, I think he knew the time was coming when he would need full-time care, and rather than face the prospect of leaving the house he loved, he gave up. He suffered a neurologic event of some sort at the end of May and never came out of that. By the time we arrived, I barely recognized him. Thankfully, he was able to hear and understand us that day, responding with a blink, squeeze of a hand, gesture, or a few hard to understand words, but he never opened his eyes.

After consulting with the most wonderful palliative care doc, we agreed to call in hospice. Dad was transferred to a beautiful hospice facility, where we sat at his side for nine days. He passed away peacefully on June 3. He would have been 84 on June 12. I still find it hard to believe that he’s gone, and it’s such an odd feeling to realize you have no living parents.

Between June and November, there was estate paperwork, cleaning out the house I’d grown up in, hiring contractors, and ultimately selling the property. We closed in early November and I brought home the last boxes of Dad’s belongings the week before Thanksgiving. Over a month later, the boxes are still sitting in my living room untouched.

I’m still working through grief and regrets. Those days in hospice with Dad also brought back vivid memories of my mom’s final days. If I learned anything from my her passing, it was that grieving is complicated. It takes time, it can’t be forced, and it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

So, all of that, combined with residual grief from some things that occurred in 2016, a demanding, high-stress year at work, and the general state of the world, has left me feeling adrift. I seem to have lost my passion and I miss it, but I’m not sure how to get it back. I’m hoping time is the answer. My life is rich with blessings and I know that this, too, shall pass.

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life. ~Anne Roiphe

The thought of a new year brings hope. This will be the first year, since age 19, that I haven’t been a caregiver in some capacity. Now, at 52, with a family history of both Alzheimer’s and heart disease, it’s time to develop some healthy habits. I want to focus on improved diet, yoga, and meditation, along with making a sincere effort to reduce work-related stress. In short, during 2018, I hope to find a place of balance along with the passion that has slipped away over the past 12 months.

May the coming year bring you a bounty of blessings, and may it bring researchers that much closer to finding the key to unlock the mystery of Alzheimer’s. I’m grateful for you and I thank you for continuing to follow The Long and Winding Road.

With gratitude,
Ann

 

 

 

 

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Mom Day 2017

16 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Face of Alzheimer's, Grieving, Holidays, Inspiration, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Ruminations, Saying Goodbye

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

alzheimers, dementia, grief and loss, grieving, holiday memories, mom day, remembering mom

Five years ago, today, my mom became whole again. She found peace after a long, valiant battle against Alzheimer’s. She gained her angel wings. December 15, 2012.

I try to take this day off every year. I prefer to spend it quietly, alone or with my daughter, allowing my mind to go where it will. If tears come, let them come; I really don’t want to be distracted by the minutia of the outside world, nor do I want to hide my emotions whatever they may be.

I started the day with a cup of hot coffee enhanced with a generous pour of Bailey’s – one of my mom’s favorite things!  I planned to spend the day baking as I often have on this day over the past five years. Some of my best, happiest (and earliest) memories are of December days spent baking Christmas cookies.

Mom loved to bake and when I was a child, the variety of beautiful cookies on her holiday trays was something to behold. Her cookies were part of the magic of Christmas. My love of baking is no doubt a result of those fond memories and of course, her influence. For years I’ve enjoyed recreating many of the recipes that have been handed down for generations, as well as adding some new ones.

I didn’t rush today. I didn’t get as much done as I had planned, but I really enjoyed the day. I listened to Christmas music, wrapped some presents, had lunch with Jess (sharing some laughs as we always do), and spent a good bit of time simply sitting with my thoughts. I cried and I smiled, thinking of years gone by, and tonight, I poured a glass of wine in her memory.

Another year has passed, and this year, I lost my dad as well. This will be my sixth Christmas without Mom and first without Dad. I’m sad, but there are also moments of peace in knowing they are with their beloved parents and others who have gone before them – the ones they loved so much. Most importantly, they are free of pain. And today, I felt both of them with me…

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...
← Older posts
© Copyright 2020
All Rights Reserved
The Long and Winding Road

Between 2009 and 2015, Marilyn’s Mighty Memory Makers have raised over $22,000 in the fight to #ENDALZ! To all who have supported us, THANK YOU!!

Marilyn, BA (before Alzheimer's)

Contributor

Contributor

Recent Posts

  • June 7, 2021: A Historic Day
  • UsAgainstAlzheimer’s National Alzheimer’s Summit: Don’t Miss It!
  • Happy 84th Birthday, Mom.
  • Mother’s Day in Heaven
  • World Alzheimer’s Month

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,326 other subscribers

Archives

Blog Directory & Business Pages at OnToplist.com

Blog Stats

  • 132,022 hits

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com
stats for wordpress

Categories

Popular Posts

  • About Me
  • Thank you!
  • A Special Bond
  • Telling the Story
  • Monday ... on Caregivers
  • Caregiving: Imperfections, Weaknesses, Acceptance, and Forgiveness
  • Walking a mile in his shoes...
  • Look for me on VoiceQuilt!
  • CGSN: Focus on YOU!
  • Hiding In the Canned Goods Aisle...and Other Stuff

Recent Comments

  • Ann Napoletan on Caregiver PTSD: Fact or Fiction?
  • Ann Napoletan on Caregiver PTSD: Fact or Fiction?
  • Ann Napoletan on Caregiver PTSD: Fact or Fiction?
  • Ann Napoletan on Caregiver PTSD: Fact or Fiction?
  • Tasha on Caregiver PTSD: Fact or Fiction?

Pages

  • 2013-2014 News Archive
  • Helpful Resources
  • Latest News & Events
  • Postmaster General Letter – Alzheimer’s Semipostal
  • Reading List
  • Recommended Blogs
  • About Me
  • Contact Me
Coming Soon!
Marilyn's Legacy: A World Without Alzheimer's, Inc.
Stay tuned!!

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • The Long and Winding Road...
    • Join 446 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • The Long and Winding Road...
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...
 

    %d bloggers like this: