Leaning Into Love: A Book About Love, Loss, Grief, and Rebirth

02 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Books, Caregivers, Grieving, Helpful Resources, Inspiration, Life After Caregiving, Saying Goodbye

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bereavement, elaine mansfield, grief, grieving, leaning into love

I met Elaine Mansfield just before my mom’s death. I can’t remember the exact circumstances, but somehow through a friend of a friend on Facebook. There are some people you’re immediately drawn to; you don’t know why, but you feel as though your souls are connected in some mystifying way. It’s as if you’ve known them for years. That’s how I feel about Elaine.

Elaine & Vic: A Love Story

Slowly, I came to know her story. This was a fascinating woman who had lived (and continues to live) an extraordinary life. The one thing that resonated most, though, was the love story of her and Vic. While I do believe in “forever love,” I don’t think it happens often, and maybe that’s just a function of people giving up when the going gets though. Elaine and Vic’s relationship, however, is proof that love can stand the test of time and survive all of life’s many ups and downs.

You can read more about Elaine and her background on her website and blog, ElaineMansfield.com, but I’m here to tell you about her newly released book, Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey Through Grief. Pour a cup of hot tea, curl up in your favorite blanket, and grab this book. It will draw you in and hold you until the final page.

The Many Layers of Love

Stone cairn on Elaine’s land where Vic’s ashes are buried.

When I read Elaine’s work, whether a blog post, article, or this book, I find myself fully immersed in her world. The imagery she creates through words is uniquely beautiful; as you read, it’s as though you’re peering through a peep hole, watching intently as things unfold. Her writing has a spiritual depth such that you’ll walk away from any of her work with a changed perspective.

Leaning Into Love begins in early 2006, when Vic develops a persistent case of what appears to be the flu. We journey along with the couple through his cancer diagnosis and the ensuing months. Elaine shares the raw emotion that naturally accompanies a life altering event like this, and one of the things I love is her honesty. There is no sugar coating; the emotions portrayed are as real as it gets.

It’s a touching reminder that even in the most loving relationship, stress takes a toll. People lose patience; they say and do things they regret later. I found it refreshing to read not only about this couple’s unconditional love and boundless support for one another, but also the moments of frustration and rebellion. We’re all human. We’re conditioned to think true love looks like a Hallmark commercial, but alas, it has its share of bumps in the road. Bravo to Elaine for sharing both sides of the story.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Colgate University, 2008

The teachings of the Dalai Lama are woven throughout the book, and we see what a crucial role this great man played in the lives of the Mansfields. One of the most poignant moments in the book comes when Vic, nearing the end of his battle with cancer, meets with the Dalai Lama at a Colgate University event.

Colgate’s president Rebecca Chopp introduces the panel members and welcomes His Holiness. Then she nods to Vic, who walks toward the Dalai Lama holding a silk wrapped copy of his book and bows deeply.

The Dalai Lama steps off the podium, moves close to Vic, and peers intently into his eyes. His voice breaking with tears, Vic thanks His Holiness for the spiritual, political, and intellectual inspiration he has given him, his students, and the world…

Death would come shortly, but for that moment, hearts overflowed with nothing but joy, love, and light. A proud moment Elaine will treasure forever.

Rebirth

In the second half of Leaning Into Love, we accompany Elaine on a new journey as she begins to find herself following Vic’s passing. As time marches on, the author begins to unlock the mystery of who she will be without her soulmate by her side. During this time, she finds that creating rituals helps to sooth her soul and quiet her mind. Slowly she becomes acquainted with her new self.

Despite catastrophe and repeated failures, new life persists and eventually takes flight. Even though the bluebirds lost everything, the female has a new nesting cavity by now and warms a new clutch of eggs. Birds do not understand hopelessness or failure. They keep trying…

Like wrens, my solitary life is plainer and less exciting than my old life, but there is still potential. Like the wrens and bluebirds, I will not give up hope.

Elaine, 2014

Inspiration. Despite it all, there is hope. Life changes; it ebbs and flows. We lose the ones we love and at the same time we grow and morph into new people ourselves. It’s a rebirth of sorts.

Our priorities change; perhaps if we’re lucky, through the tragedy, we find our purpose in life. We miss them more than words can describe, and there are days when all we can think of is what our lives used to be like. Through Leaning Into Love, Elaine shows us that life does go on following great loss, and it can be stunningly beautiful and filled with depth and purpose.

Thank you, Elaine.

You can find Leaning Into Love on Amazon (don’t forget to use Amazon Smile!) and visit Elaine’s website to learn about her upcoming events, including a November 8th TedX Talk in Corning, NY. Be sure to bookmark Elaine’s blog, and follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.

Elaine Mansfield on Advance Directives: Be Specific

27 Sunday Jul 2014

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Books, End of Life Planning, Family, Grieving, Helpful Resources, Living Will, Mom, Ruminations, Saying Goodbye, Tips

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advance directives, alzheimers, dementia, end of life decisions, grief, grieving, living will

Elaine Mansfield, Author

One of the greatest gifts my mom gave me in this lifetime was having her advance directives in order long before Alzheimer’s was so much as a blip on our radar. I remember when she had them done. At that point, I thought, “Okay, that’s done, but I really don’t want to think about. Furthermore, it’ll be forever until I HAVE to think about it.”

And life goes on….

Then one day, in a complete twist of what you believed to be fate, life changes drastically and forever.

Alzheimer’s.

Even with the documents in place and my mom’s wishes crystal clear, the end was agonizing. No one can prepare you for those final days and the sense of helplessness you’ll feel. However, I can’t begin to imagine how exponentially more difficult it would have been if the medical team had been looking to me to make those decisions no one ever wants to be faced with.

Please take a few moments to read this important, thought-provoking piece by my friend, author Elaine Mansfield.

Why I Added Detailed
Advance Directives to my Living Will

Elaine’s article has me rethinking my own Living Will and considering adding more detail as she and her husband, Vic, did. This specificity leaves no room for interpretation, and the fact that it’s handwritten also adds a certain level of comfort. It’s one thing to see a typewritten document initialed and signed by your loved one, but seeing these details written in their own hand – I think it might help the mind and heart to reconcile, finding a place of certainty and peace.

If nothing else, I hope this article will encourage you to give some thought to advance directives – particularly if you don’t have anything in place. Don’t leave these decisions to your loved ones; when the time comes, they will be struggling enough without having this additional weight on their shoulders.

___

Elaine Mansfield’s book, Leaning into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief will be on shelves in October. It’s one you’ll definitely want to add to your reading list. You can find Elaine on Facebook and Twitter, and of course, you can visit her blog to experience more of her beautiful writing.

Alzheimer’s: The Unexpected Journey

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Advocacy and Awareness, Behaviors, Caregivers, Face of Alzheimer's, Grieving, Inspiration, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Ruminations, Saying Goodbye

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alzheimers, Alzheimers advocacy, alzheimers awareness, dementia, grief

I’d like to thank my new friends at the Alzheimer’s Society of Bangladesh for inviting me to contribute to their latest newsletter.

If Alzheimer’s or a related form of dementia has never directly touched you, the possibility is probably the furthest thing from your mind. I know that was the case for me. I knew so little about the disease; quite truthfully, I was one of those people who thought having Alzheimer’s simply meant you were forgetful.

Little did I know how all-encompassing dementia is – or the devastation it exacts on families. When my mom began to show symptoms in her mid-60s, I quickly learned dementia is so much more than problems with memory.

Dementia Does Not Discriminate

My mother had only been retired for several years when we began to notice small changes. I wanted to believe it was just a function of adjusting to retirement and hoped if she got involved in volunteer activities and hobbies, she would return to “normal.” So I hinted, encouraged, and pushed, becoming very frustrated when she resisted.

Mom had been a fiercely independent career woman. She had it all together; she was sharp, intelligent, witty, and fun. Her vibrant nature could light up a room. Traveling extensively, she had friends all over the country and was a role model and mentor to many whose paths she had crossed. She was the last person I would have expected to spend her “golden years” in the haze of dementia. She was too young and much too strong; people like my mom didn’t get this disease.

But, yes, they did. And they do – every day.

A Heartbreaking Decline

Over time, I watched as my mom’s confidence waned, speech worsened, and erratic behavior increased. She forgot what to do when the phone rang, no longer knew how to turn the television off and on, and suffered from paranoia – certain that I, her daughter, was stealing things from her.

A meticulous record keeper, she could no longer manage her checkbook, began getting lost on her almost daily 5-minute walk to the store, and fell prey to more than one scam. This woman who loved to cook and spent so much time in the kitchen no longer remembered how to use the microwave.

She was no longer able to keep track of her medication, even lacking the aptitude to follow the simplest of reminders posted around the house. Ultimately, aphasia stole her ability to communicate, depression replaced her familiar smile, and we got a frightening taste of psychotic behavior complete with hallucinations and delusions.

My mother, who had dined in some of the most upscale restaurants in the country, began eating with her fingers. When she could no longer do that, she had to be fed. She couldn’t dress herself, bathe herself, or use the bathroom by herself. She was completely dependent on others for every aspect of daily life.

We Must End Alzheimer’s and Related Disorders

In December, 2012, at age 76, she lost her battle. My daughter and I were at her side the moment her sweet soul left its earthly shell. We’ll never know if she understood who we were, but we are certain that she realized we were “hers.” She felt our love and we felt hers, right up to the very end.

I believe she has found peace and is once again whole, and that provides some degree of comfort. But, it doesn’t lessen the pain of missing her. It doesn’t stop the tears when they come out of nowhere. My mom was always my rock; even when she could no longer speak, just her presence soothed and reassured me. No matter our age, we never stop needing our mothers…

That is why I won’t stop fighting for research funding and increased awareness. No family should have to bear witness to the wrath of dementia.