Mother’s Day and Melancholy Moments

Last week was difficult. It’s amazing how you can plug away, day after day. Minding your own business, not letting your thoughts get the best of you, and then it happens. You see or hear something, and suddenly harsh reality slaps you in the face… Without warning, the weight of the world is upon you, and there’s not a thing you can do about it.

I think the approach of Mother’s Day has had me in a bit of a funk to begin with, but when I saw the piece below on Facebook, it was enough to send me over the edge. And, once the tears started, there was no stopping them until I was literally cried out.

I’ve never wanted to live my life with regrets. Everything is a learning experience, everything happens for a reason, and the bottom line is, we can’t go back and change anything anyway. So, why dwell on what might have been? Generally, when you look back years later, you realize that your mistakes made you stronger or taught you a valuable lesson. There was a reason. But, where my mom is concerned, sometimes, I just can’t reconcile my mistakes at all.

I wish with all my heart that I had been more patient and understanding at the onset of this damn disease. I wish I hadn’t buried my head in the sand, denying that something was very wrong. Ah, I recall thinking, “She isn’t trying hard enough!” or “She isn’t staying active enough!” or “Why is she telling me the same thing AGAIN?” I think my own inability to face the fact that I was losing my guiding light manifested itself such that I just couldn’t rationally deal with the everyday things. Coping mechanism? Surely, I had to have known deep down that this wasn’t just forgetfulness or “a normal part of aging.” So why wasn’t I more patient???

Life is short. Special moments come, and they go just as fast. One day everything is normal, and the next day, the world has been turned upside down. The person you knew and loved is gone, and you miss them more than words can say. Relish the time you spend with loved ones, and if you find yourself heading down this heart wrenching road, try to remember that they can’t help it. It’s not that they aren’t trying, or aren’t listening… They just need your patience, understanding, and love now more than ever…

♥ Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. ♥

Letter from a Mother to a Daughter

My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please.

Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way… remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day… the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.

When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter. 

Free Long-Term Care Insurance Workshop – May 22

For anyone in Central Ohio interested in learning more about long-term care insurance, AAA is partnering with Marty Puin & Associates to host a free workshop on the topic, May 22 at 7pm. The seminar will be held at the Worthington AAA store. Call 800.234.4326 or email marty@martypuinltc.com for reservations.

Long Term Care: Asking the Right Questions….

Updated 11.30.16

Often, when looking at long term care options for our loved ones, time is of the essence.  While we would love to be able to take our time and thoughtfully evaluate as many facilities as possible, we rarely have that luxury.

In our case, my mom had been hospitalized for several days, when the occupational and physical therapists very unceremoniously told us that she could no longer live independently and it would be best if we found a place to take her directly from the hospital.  They felt that taking her home would just make a difficult transition even more painful, and I agreed.

So, with very little time and absolutely no experience in these things, the whirlwind began.  The ensuing days were challenging to say the least, and I wish I’d had questions prepared ahead of time.  It’s just so difficult to think clearly during such a stressful time, especially when entering unchartered waters.

Based on our experience, I’ve put together a list of questions that I hope will be helpful to families looking at care options.  They are presented in no particular order, but I’ve tried to group them by category where appropriate.

General

  • What is the facility’s full capacity?  What is the current census?
  • Describe resident demographic; age, gender, condition/cognition/mobility.  How many residents are living with dementia / Alzheimer’s?
  • What are the visiting hours?
  • How are changes within the community communicated?  For example: new policies, new management.
  • What on-site services are offered?  Physical and/or occupational therapy?  Hospice?  Podiatrist?  Religious services?  Hair salon?
  • Describe a typical day.  What types of life enrichment activities and entertainment are planned? What types of outings are planned? Please share a recent activities calendar.  Are activities geared toward various levels of physical/cognitive ability?
  • Is there a family support group?  Family Council?  Resident Council?  How often do they meet?
  • Does the facility provide laundry and cleaning services? Is there an extra cost?
  • Does the facility offer private and semi-private rooms?
  • Are small pets permitted?

Staffing

  • Is the staff certified in dementia care? If so, explain the certification process and continuing education requirements.
  • How many nurses and aides are employed?  What is the aide-to-resident ratio during both daylight and evening hours?
  • How is continuity of care ensured?  Are specific aides assigned to specific residents, or should residents expect to have a different aide each day?
  • Are all aides STNA certified; if not, what percentage are certified?
  • Are there any language barrier issues?
  • What is the tenure of the executive director?  The average tenure of the management team?
  • Describe the type and length of orientation/training for new staff members.  Do they shadow various shifts before their first solo assignment?
  • Describe the disciplinary policy.
  • How often is the staff in-serviced on dementia /Alzheimer’s?  What techniques/tools are used?  Are educational in-services offered to families?

Medical

  • What is the facility’s philosophy on psychotropic drugs?  What percentage of memory care residents are prescribed psychotropic drugs?
  • Are nurses on site around the clock?  How many RNs on staff vs LPNs?  What is the average tenure of the nursing staff?
  • Is there a “house” doctor, or are families required to take residents to their own private physician?
  • Does the facility have an in-house pharmacy, or are families required to order/maintain meds/supplies?

Care

  • What care philosophies are employed, e.g. person-centered care, validation, etc. Describe some of the related techniques and how they are used.
  • How are challenging behaviors addressed? At what point are psychotropic drugs considered, and does the family have to provide explicit consent before such drugs are administered?
  • What alternative therapies are employed, e.g. music therapy, art therapy, pet therapy?
  • Describe the levels of care.  Is care customized to each resident’s specific needs?
  • Is there an assessment process to determine needs?  What tool is used for assessments (e.g. Vigilan)?
  • How often and by whom are the assessments conducted?  Can families request an assessment at any time?
  • Is there any level of step-up care; for instance, if starting with assisted living, is there a memory care or Alzheimer’s unit for those who are in the more advanced stages?

Dining/Nutrition

  • Describe the mealtime procedure; how are all residents accounted for at mealtime? Is there a procedure in place to ensure that no one is “missed”?
  • What special provisions are made for residents who may need extra assistance at mealtime?
  • How are special dietary needs handled?
  • How often are snacks and hydration provided?  What are some typical snacks offered?
  • Are families permitted to dine with their loved ones?
  • Please share a recent week’s menu.

Security

  • Is the facility secured; describe security.
  • Do residents with dementia wear wander guards?
  • How often is the security system checked?
  • Over the past 12 months, how many elopement incidents were there?
  • Do visitors sign in upon arrival? Are there specific procedures to follow when taking residents out for a visit?
  • Is there a safe, secure outdoor recreation area for residents? If not, how often are residents able to safely enjoy the outdoors with accompaniment?

Regulatory Violations, Grievances, Issue Resolution

  • Please share results of the past three state surveys.  Describe any violations that have occurred in the past 12 months.
  • How are grievances are handled?  Is there a grievance committee that meets regularly? Is there a formal escalation process?
  • When there is a concern or issue, how quickly does staff follow up with family on the status?
  • Are there any pending lawsuits concerning this particular facility?

Financial

  • Describe fee structure (i.e. flat rate, a la carte, care levels, etc.).
  • Is the facility private pay?  Is Medicare/Medicaid/LTC insurance accepted?
  • How often are rates increased and, on average, at what percentage? Provide historical rate increases for the past five years.
  • Are payment plans or financial assistance offered?
  • Describe general terms of any required contracts.
  • What supplies (e.g. continence, etc.) is the family responsible for providing?

And finally, a few important do’s and don’ts:

  • DO ask to speak privately to residents and family members.
  • DO make unannounced visits at various times throughout the day/evening.
  • First and foremost, DON’T worry about offending anyone; if it’s on your mind, ASK.  Otherwise, you may find yourself regretting it later.
  • DON’T assume that extravagant decor and high prices equate to good care. That is simply NOT always the case.
  • DO remember that the people you speak with at various facilities are trying to sell you something.  Many are wonderful individuals who have a true passion for elder care, but it is always best to be cautious and not overly trusting.  For them, this is a business deal.  For you, it’s the life of your loved one.
  • DO listen to your gut.  Never doubt your instincts – they are almost always right on target.

Last, but not least, take advantage of the many free and readily available resources online and in your community.  Your local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association is a great resource, as is A Place for Mom. (Note: It is important to understand A Place for Mom’s business model. Their revenue stream is tied directly to placements. Each time APFM places a client, they are paid by the facility where the placement occurs. I like to point this out because it is very helpful to have them compile a list of possibilities based on your needs and schedule tours for you; however, you must do your own independent due diligence.)

If your loved on is hospitalized, ask to speak to a social worker for some tips.  Once you come up with a short list of facilities, consult the health department or local long term care ombudsman.  You can find these resources online, and they are more than willing to provide assistance.

If you know the day is coming, try to be prepared. Unfortunately, I kept telling myself I’d start doing my research “soon,” but continued to put it off until finally I was backed into a corner.  This is never an easy situation, but the more prepared you can be when the time comes, the better…