photo(20)I arrived home to find another stack of beautiful sympathy cards in the mailbox today… such a comfort to know Mom was so loved. And as I sat here reading them, something struck me. It’s as though every card was chosen especially for her, each one containing a heartfelt message that truly captures her essence. I feel like that speaks volumes about people’s feelings for her…

I miss her so much. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe in the back of my mind, I know that she’s once again ‘whole’ and it makes me miss her that much more. There was a moment today where I wanted to pick up the phone and call her to share something that had happened, but it’s been (((years))) since I’ve been able to do that.

I also find myself feeling mad as hell at the disease. Furious, in fact. I think back over the past nine years and all of the time we didn’t have with her. The things that happened that we couldn’t share. The golden years that she worked so hard for but never really came to realize. It’s infuriating. I just don’t get it – there’s so much about this situation that I simply cannot understand.

My candle urn remains tucked away in its velvet box… waiting for the day when I’m ready to open it. I don’t suppose there’s any real rush. I just thought I’d want to touch it and hold it and burn the candle as soon as I picked it up… but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Today was my first day back at work. I’ve been out since November 21. Over a month. It felt strange to be back. My wall calendar was still turned to November, a fitting metaphor for life over the past 30 or so days – it’s as though time stopped. Life stopped. Everything stopped.

I was once off work for six weeks following a surgery, but even then I kept up on emails and so forth. When I came back, I didn’t feel completely lost. This morning, I realized that I have never been more completely detached from normal day to day life for this long. Never more detached than I’ve been for the past month. Again, it’s as if time stood still. As though I was in some sort of altered state – without a thought of work or “normal” life. Thirty plus days of intense focus on the single most important matter at hand, yet all the while feeling as though I was stumbling around through a thick fog. Such a dichotomy…