Oh sweet mother of mine, I am very thankful to know that you are finally whole again, free from the fear, pain, and sadness that hideous disease caused you. You are now in a place far more perfect than any of us can even begin to imagine. And I know you remain with me in spirit. But, damn, do I miss you. I would give anything to hold your hand again…or hear you say “I love you” while wearing that sweet expression on your face. You know the one, right? When I close my eyes, I can still see that lovely image in my mind.
Sunday is Mother’s Day, and this week has been so much harder than I imagined. I expected it to be difficult, but fair to say that even I underestimated the sadness and sense of loss it would bring. I can’t focus, I can’t think, and I can’t seem to stop crying. Literally. Once it starts, it simply will.not.stop. I feel like I’ve complete regressed… any progress I made in dealing with the grief – now gone. It’s as though it’s December 15th again rather than almost five months later.
Yesterday, I walked past a Mother’s Day card display in the store at work, and when I got back to my desk, I had a complete melt down. The tears wouldn’t stop. On the way home from the office, I picked up not one, but TWO pints of Jeni’s ice cream! I think you would have approved!! Oh you would have LOVED Jeni’s… would you believe it’s $10/pint? Crazy right?? But as we both know, there are moments when such a splurge is not only called for – it’s worth every penny and then some! 🙂
As I write this, I’m giving myself permission to have an all out, no holds barred, no apologies sob fest… until there are no more tears left. I think it might be awhile. I’m taking tomorrow off so that I can cry in the privacy of my own living room, dammit. I’m so exhausted from trying to hold it together, and I know people mean well, but I hate when they ask what’s wrong. It just makes me cry even more…
I’ll be thinking of you Sunday. I contemplated spending a couple of hours with the ladies at Eason House, but as the day draws nearer, I’m not sure I can do it. Not this year. Maybe next. I did send them each a Mother’s Day card, though. They won’t have a clue who “Ann” is, but hopefully, it’ll make them smile in the moment they open the envelopes. Boy, that place just isn’t the same without you…
You are so missed by so many people. John H. stopped by my desk yesterday to say hi and give me a great big hug, and I received the most beautiful card from Emily today. You sure knew how to pick ’em… those are two wonderful people. You guys had some great times at the Training Center, didn’t you!? Back in January at your Celebration of Life, John told the story about the time you took the vacuum cleaner over to help him get ready for a visit from his mom… 20+ years later, that story is still hilarious! 🙂
I hope you, Aunt Shirley, Aunt Helen, and Grandma McCormick have a beautiful Mother’s Day – I smile to think of the four of you laughing together and enjoying a spread of food fit for an army! You might not remember this picture, but it was taken back when you were just starting to get sick… completely coincidental that the boa you’re wearing is purple… I adore this photo. It embodies your spirit so perfectly… I imagine this is just what you’ll look like on Sunday as you celebrate with three of your favorite ladies.
I love you.
PS… You were the inspiration for today’s Caregivers post. I wrote this earlier in the week… What Is Your Mother’s Legacy?
Easter Ellen said:
What a beautiful and heart-felt letter to your mother – so moving.
Thank you Ellen. When I sat down to write, that letter wasn’t my intention at all. It just happened that way – meant to be. It felt good to get that out.
Easter Ellen said:
Sometimes our words lead us in directions that we don’t intend, but when that happens, it is usually a great thing!
susan Nicklas said:
Ann~ A love letter to your mother. Every day I read your thoughts on this site. You are so honest describing your emotions. I wish we lived closer and I could get to know you. Perhaps we would laugh and talk for hours! Our mothers loved each other until the end. Both such strong, determined yet tender ladies. I like your thoughts of Shirley, Ann, Helen and Marilyn being together…we have so much to look forward to!
My thoughts are with you,
Thanks Susan. I agree on all counts. xo