It’s been a long time since I’ve written a purely stream of consciousness post, but I’m in that kind of mood.
This week has been emotional, and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m extra tired or maybe it’s a particularly strong jolt of “reality” hitting. I miss my mom more than words can say. So much has happened, so much I wish I could share with her over a cup of tea or glass of wine.
I try not to question things, but Alzheimer’s is a real “head-scratcher,” isn’t it? I just can’t make sense of any of it. At all. Why? Just why? Why must so many people suffer its wrath? Is there a purpose, and if so, someone please fill me in!
I received a message from a friend tonight, regarding his mother who is struggling with dementia.
My response, pure stream of consciousness with no filter. In this moment.
“I’m sorry… It just sucks – no two ways about it. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was #%&$ing *pissed off* that “it” stole my mom from me – I should have shared my 40’s with her and my 50’s for that matter. I always imagined us having a ball, traveling, etc., for many, many years after her retirement. But it wasn’t meant to be, I guess. I’ll just never, ever understand the unfairness of this disease. I wish I could tell you it gets easier… It doesn’t get easier, but I will say that once I got to a point of true acceptance, it was less difficult – if that makes any sense. That’s what my piece in Chicken Soup for the Soul is about, actually. Acceptance. But it took me way too long; so much wasted time. Just enjoy the time you have with her as much as you possibly can. It is what it is. Go to her world when she can’t come back to yours.”
It is what it is. In this moment.