Today’s Caregivers piece speaks to the topic of regrets, the importance of remembering that we’re all human, and the fact that with being human comes imperfection…
Regrets… and Being Human
18 Monday Feb 2013
Category Archives: Grieving
An Unexpected Therapy Session
15 Friday Feb 2013
Posted in Grieving, Guilt and Regrets, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Ruminations, Support system
I’ve been having sinus issues and coughing – off and on – since this past fall. Just when I think it’s going away, it pops back up, so I (finally) gave in and went to the doc today. Hopefully a course of antibiotics will clear things up once and for all.
I love my doc, and this visit was more emotional than I expected. You see, she was my mother’s physician first. She was the one I contacted when I finally came to the realization that something more than “she’s just getting older” was going on… I remember making an appointment, then emailing her ahead of time since I knew I wouldn’t be able to give her the full story in front of Mom without upsetting her terribly.
She was the first to administer the MMSE, which, of course, confirmed our fears, and together we watched the score decline with each future exam. She was the one I went to for guidance when I knew Mom just couldn’t drive anymore. She was the one we cried with, more than once. Oh, we were in that office so often for awhile, it was like a second home.
After some time passed, I knew Doc could understand; she could truly relate because her father-in-law was having the same issues. I was surprised to find out today that he passed away just 10 days before my mom, on December 5. As we shared stories, there were some striking similarities.
She let me cry on her shoulder (literally) as she assured me everything I’m feeling right now is perfectly “normal” and that it takes time. A long time. And that while everyone else is just going on with life, it’s natural for me to be screaming internally, “Wait a damn second, NOTHING is normal… Life.is.not.back.to.normal!! I lost my ROCK, people. How dare you just act like life is normal!”
She reminded me that I really DID do the best I could each step of the way and that back in the early days when I lost my patience, it was because I was human. She talked about how her FIL drove her nuts at times, emphasizing the point that we’re all human. And she shared some of their funny stories, which in turn reminded me that even up until those last several weeks, we did have GOOD times. And joy. And laughter. And love. Always love.
It was a good talk. I went in for a sinus infection and ended up getting 45 minutes of therapy, which I apparently needed as much as the antibiotic… Thanks Doc.
Hiding In the Canned Goods Aisle…and Other Stuff
11 Monday Feb 2013
Posted in Books, Grieving, Helpful Resources, HomeReach, Inspiration, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Ruminations, Support system
≈ Comments Off on Hiding In the Canned Goods Aisle…and Other Stuff
So if anyone spotted a weirdo hiding out in the canned foods aisle at Giant Eagle today, don’t be alarmed. Yep, that was me…
I was poring over the yogurt selections, completely oblivious to the music being piped throughout the store until Louis Armstrong’s version of Wonderful World came on…
Instantly, I felt my eyes well up. I grabbed my yogurt, while commanding my brain to think nothing but happy thoughts… yet all I could focus on was the song… and memories… and missing her… and sadness. Made it to the canned goods aisle and read the label on every applesauce jar on the shelf until the song ended and I pulled it together… I can just hear it, “Security to aisle six; emotional fruit loop on the loose.” (((Sigh)))
Tonight, Jess and I got a message from one of her dear old friends from elementary school. Apparently she had just heard about Mom’s passing, and sent us the most touching note describing her memories of “gram.” She put her feelings into words so beautifully; a flurry of emotions washed over me like falling rain on an early spring day. Happiness, sadness, pride, love, admiration, inspiration… Never underestimate the power of words.
I hope that somehow, somewhere, some way, Mom knew how much she was loved and what a massive impact she had on so many lives… We should all be so lucky.
A new GriefShare series is starting this Wednesday evening at Vineyard. I am planning to go, although right now I’m thinking I might sit there and cry for two hours straight. I guess we’ll see. Maybe being in the presence of others who can relate will be a good thing. Right now, I just feel very alone where all of this is concerned. I suppose this would be where siblings might come in handy… (and I stress [might] because I know that’s a crap shoot at best).
Coincidentally, the manager of Bereavement Services at HomeReach/Kobacker also left a voice mail today. Just reaching out to explain what they have to offer in terms of counseling and support… maybe I’ll call them back tomorrow. 
What sounds most appealing right now is disappearing to a quiet, far away retreat for about six months and coming back to a new place, new living arrangements, new job, and a fresh outlook on life…. Ah, one can dream…
In the meantime, perhaps there is comfort and inspiration in knowing that a book titled Where the Tree Falls the Forest Rises, by Charlene Elderkin, is filled with essays by real people who open up and share their personal stories of death and how it changed their lives… I guess I’m not alone after all.
From Ms. Elderkin’s website:
One change that death brings to the bereaved is rarely discussed — the power of death to generate new life in those who loved the deceased.
Where the tree falls, the forest rises is a collection of true stories that offer an intimate glimpse into personal renewal following the death of a loved one. Without denying the experience of grief and loss, these first-hand accounts illustrate how ordinary people find a way to integrate the death of their beloved into a forever-changed life. How this integration unfolds and when is as varied as the people writing their stories.
The Long and Winding Road... 