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The Long and Winding Road…

~ An Alzheimer's Journey and Beyond

The Long and Winding Road…

Category Archives: Hospice

Four Years: Remembering 12.15.12

15 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Advocacy and Awareness, Caregivers, Grieving, Hospice, Kobacker House, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Ruminations, Saying Goodbye

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

alzheimers, alzheimers caregiving, alzheimers grief, dementia, grieving, missing mom

I try to take December 15th off every year; I want to be able to sit with my thoughts and emotions without the rest of the world interrupting.

Four years ago on this date, my mom was freed from Alzheimer’s disease; it was December 15, 2012, that she earned her angel wings after a long, exhausting battle against a disease that always wins.

Memories of that day remain vivid. We were at Kobacker House, a beautiful inpatient hospice facility that cared for us with such compassion when we needed it the most. We knew the end was very near. Never have I been so overwhelmed with competing thoughts:

“God, please, not yet. I’m not ready to say goodbye. Please bring us a miracle.”

“God, please take her. She’s ready. She has fought hard and she’s so tired. I know that it’s time. Let her be at peace.”

“God, no. Please, one more day with her.”

“Please, God… take her home. Let her be whole again, free of pain. It’s time.”

By that Saturday, there was nothing left of her earthly shell. Those nine days were the most agonizing of my life.

That morning, I sat next to her bed holding her hand, stroking her head, and telling her how much I loved her. I whispered that it was okay for her to go, we would be fine, and I told her she had been the best mother a daughter could ask for. Her eyes were closed. There’s no way of telling what she could hear or understand. The day before, I felt her squeeze my hand every so lightly when I told her I loved her. I still don’t know if that was real or imagined; I’d like to think it was real.

As the morning wore on, a feeling washed over me – she would be going soon. I called our dear friend, Emily, and left a voice mail asking if she would come and be with us. Emily had worked for my mom many years prior and remained a constant in our lives, visiting Mom weekly long after everyone else had stopped. She is also a woman of deep faith. Jess and I agreed her presence would be comforting for all three of us.

Not long after leaving that message, shortly after noon and still at Mom’s bedside, that feeling enveloped me again – stronger this time. I called across the room to Jess, telling her she should come over. Seconds after she arrived at my side, Mom took her last breath. Her soul was lifted from her physical body right before our eyes in a moment that will remain etched in my mind forever. I’ve never experienced such a spiritual moment.

I had been holding the reins for all those years, and once it was over, I crumbled. The rest of Saturday and the ensuing days were a blur. Carrying all of our belongings to the car, arriving at home and feeling entirely spent. Lost. The grief was so powerful that my body was racked with physical pain.

One would think that after such a long debilitating illness, where we lost a bit of her with every passing day, I would have been prepared. Hadn’t I been grieving for years and years? I really thought when this time came I would feel a sense of relief.

Instead, I was hit hard with the realization that I would never again see her smile, feel her touch, or hear her voice. In my experience, this grief was entirely different than the anticipatory grief I’d been feeling for as long as I could remember. The finality of this was excruciating. I cried for days.

Four years later, the piercing, raw pain of those early days has faded, but in many ways, I miss her more as time passes. There are a million things I wish I could sit down and talk to her about – a decade-plus of things I need to catch her up on – and every year, that list gets longer.

In October, she would have turned 80. I think back on how vibrant she was before AD came into our lives. I always envisioned her as a “young” 80-year-old with a calendar full of travel plans and social activities. I could have never imagined how things would unravel at the seams. The lesson is – we simply don’t know what life has in store for us.

I think our long journey made me a better person in many ways – more compassionate and empathetic, and certainly more committed to serving others for the greater good. Life means more now; I want to be a part of something bigger than myself and I’m determined to leave some sort of legacy behind.

Christmas at Eason House, 2010

As an introvert and empath, it has always been hard for me to exist right at the surface – my thoughts tend to live much deeper in my soul. Following our Alzheimer’s experience, I have less need for idle chitchat and much less tolerance for things that don’t really matter. I suppose I’m more introspective than ever. I’ve never been terribly driven by money and it’s even less important now. I really just yearn for a slower pace and a less stressful lifestyle.

Today, as I reflect on life, love, and loss, I just hope Mom knows how much I love her and that she’s proud of the work I do to honor her legacy. I would love to be able to tell her just how much her story has touched the hearts of others. Her memory lives on and she continues to inspire not just me, but so many others.

 

 

 

 

 

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Long-Term Care: Extra Support When You Need It

08 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Care Options, Caregivers, Guilt and Regrets, Helpful Resources, Hospice, Mom, Support system

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

alzheimers, caregiver support, caregiving, hospice, long-term care ombudsman

The decision to place a loved one in a care facility is heart wrenching no matter the circumstances. When the time comes, we are filled with uncertainty, apprehension, and an overwhelming sense of guilt. They took care of us; how can we not do the same? What will people think? Does this make me a bad daughter/son/husband/wife?

 

The Critical Role of Managing Care

I think it’s so important for caregivers to understand that placing a loved one is in no way synonymous with failure. Dementia is a long, agonizing road, and not everyone is equipped to care for a family member at home. Sometimes the decision to seek assistance makes you a better caregiver in the long run.

When you place a loved one your role will change, but you will remain the most essential member of the care team. Now you will oversee their care and act as their most staunch advocate. With daily care left to a team of experienced caregivers, you can be the daughter/son/husband/wife again. You can focus on their wellbeing, creating moments of joy, and just loving them. I can’t think of a more crucial role.

But with all of that said, what resources are available to provide help when needed?

The Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program

As a nurse, Jan Larsen-Fendt spent more than 20 years working with the elderly in various settings including rehab, long-term care, and hospice. When she retired, she wanted to continue her work with the elderly in some capacity, so she trained to become an Ombudsman.

What is the definition of a Long-Term Care Ombudsman? According to the Administration on Aging:

Long-Term Care Ombudsmen are advocates for residents of nursing homes, board and care homes, assisted living facilities and similar adult care facilities. They work to resolve problems of individual residents and to bring about changes at the local, state and national levels that will improve residents’ care and quality of life.

When she completed her training and became certified, Jan said, “I felt as though I should have a cape and a shirt with a big “O” on it!! I could finally DO something about people’s complaints/concerns.”

She wants caregivers to know there are places to turn for help when issues arise in care facilities. “The Ombudsman program is a government program and works side by side with the Department of Health,” Jan explains. “If you have concerns that are not being addressed by the facility your loved one is in, contact your local Ombudsman.”

Facilities are required by law to display posters bearing Long-Term Care Ombudsman contact information. You can also consult The National Consumer Voice for Quality Long-Term Care to find the Ombudsman in your area.

Thoughts on Hospice

Jan highly recommends engaging hospice sooner than later. Unmanageable staff-to-resident ratios can and often do lead to issues in long-term care facilities. While the staff may want to do more for a resident, the workload simply might not allow it.

As a hospice nurse, Jan explains, she was charged with overseeing care and serving as a patient advocate. Hospice typically does not operate under the same staffing constraints that impede LTC facilities so they are able to provide an extra sets of eyes and ears.”

“Don’t ever hesitate to ask for a referral to hospice. Don’t let a nurse just say, ‘No, he’s not ready for that.’ It’s up to the doctor. There are many ways to get a person on hospice,” says Jan. “Hospice does not always mean imminent death. We have even had people ‘graduate’ from the program.”

Don’t Go It Alone

The bottom line is this. Even if a loved one is not under your direct, 24×7 care, your role as his or her care manager is vital. But remember, you aren’t alone. There are agencies and services you can call on for assistance. Your local Office on Aging is a great place to start; don’t hesitate to reach out to them for guidance.

During my mom’s illness, I enlisted the help of the LTC Ombudsman. The office could not have been more supportive. I was immediately struck by their passion and dedication to ensuring our loved ones are being properly cared for.

We also utilized hospice services and found the extra support to be a godsend. Mom was on hospice for a relatively short period, but during that time, the caring compassion shown to us as a family was incredible.

Please don’t wait to reach out for support; this is a journey that doesn’t have to be traveled alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Giving Thanks…

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Advocacy and Awareness, Caregivers, God Winks, Holidays, Hospice, Inspiration, Life After Caregiving, Mom, Quotes, Ruminations, USAgainstAlzheimer's

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

alzheimers, Alzheimers advocacy, caregivers, caregiving, dementia, gratitude, thanksgiving

IMG_3830-beattieThe arrival of the holidays brings a flood of competing emotions for me. Exactly two years ago today, we brought hospice on board. It was a time of both despair and relief; things were changing moment to moment, and we had reached a whole new level of helplessness and desperation.

No matter how hard we fought, it seemed as though Alzheimer’s might be winning. Engaging compassionate hospice professionals brought a measure of comfort to a very uncomfortable situation – comfort in knowing we were surrounded by angels who were not only knowledgable, but also caring and empathetic. They were “all in” from the moment they arrived, and I felt like we were the most important family in the world to them.

Two years ago, we still held onto hope that with the intensive support, loving care, and indisputable expertise of hospice, mom might rebound one more time. However, that wasn’t meant to be. So, Thanksgiving remains a powerful, heart wrenching reminder of those final few weeks…

But this is also a time to reflect on the many blessings that have enriched my life over the past year. First and foremost, of course, are my family, faith, friends, and health. Without these, none of the rest would be possible.

I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to touch and be touched by so many caregivers and advocates through this blog, my Facebook page, the USAgainstAlzheimer’s Support Group, and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living with Alzheimer’s and Other Dementias.

I’m grateful to have attended the WomenAgainstAlzheimer’s Out of the Shadows Summit this fall in Washington, DC, to be a founding member of ClergyAgainstAlzheimer’s and a contributor to the group’s first book, Seasons of Caring (December 2014). I’m thankful to have been a member of the steering committee for our local Walk to End Alzheimer’s and for the friends and supporters that generously contributed to our team, Marilyn’s Mighty Memory Makers.

I’ve crossed paths with some of the most passionate, inspiring people on the planet and been presented with countless opportunities to make a difference over the past year. I took a leap of faith, leaving the company I’d been with for almost 27 years, to join an organization with a strong mission I believe in. Five months later, I can say with confidence it was the right move and I’m finally where I was meant to be. For those things, I’m grateful.

I’m thankful I have been able to keep my mom’s memory alive, and that her spirit shines brightly on the world every single day. I’m thankful she’s still teaching me new lessons, inspiring me, and that she continues to touch thousands of lives. And I’m thankful to feel her presence on a regular basis.

To say I’m blessed is an understatement, but oh how I miss my mama.

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The Long and Winding Road

Between 2009 and 2015, Marilyn’s Mighty Memory Makers have raised over $22,000 in the fight to #ENDALZ! To all who have supported us, THANK YOU!!

Marilyn, BA (before Alzheimer's)

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