The days are running together…

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by Ann Napoletan in HomeReach, Hospice, Mom, Ruminations, Safety

≈ 2 Comments

The picture of frustration: Clenching her balled up robe…

In bullets …

Last night, I woke Mom up every four hours for lorazepam… even that didn’t prevent her from being up from 4am this morning until 9pm fussing, yelling, and crying… and completely exhausted. Hospice doc increased dose and I gave the first one tonight. She finally went to sleep around 9. Very restless, though.
I went home and slept for about 3 hours this afternoon. A three hour nap never felt so good.
Geri-chair came today – she doesn’t love it.
I realized today that I don’t remember what “normal” life and routine is like… I’ve only been doing this for 10 days and I don’t know how in the world people do it long term. I feel like I’m in a fog, and there’s definitely a higher power helping me with each move I make. This is not me.
I’m worried about work and what to do about next week, but trying to take it one day at a time… praying that God provides the answers I need.
I am going to try to stay up until midnight lorazepam, then get some sleep. We moved the love seat back to mom’s room again; I’ve put her bed all the way down to the floor, and the crash pad between the love seat and bed. For some reason, she wants to be right by the edge of the bed. I move her to the middle and she moves back to the edge…
Hospice nurse will be out again tomorrow.

Bittersweet

02 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Family, Mom, Ruminations, Smiles, Support system

≈ 2 Comments

photo(7)
If this photo doesn’t touch your heart, you may not have one.

This is my lifelong best friend sitting with Mom today. Ah, the memories we share! Debby practically lived with us during those turbulent teen years. In fact, she actually did move in once for a few days, dresser drawers and all. (((Smile))) My mom was her second mother and loved her like a daughter (got just as mad at her as her own daughter sometimes, too).

Debby is one of the few who can appreciate the “look that could kill” that we still see from Mom from time to time and the way she says “NO!” when she means business.

Having gone through this with her own grandparents, I can imagine how difficult it is to see Mom this way, yet she is here for us – the good, bad, and the ugly. And that means the absolute world to me, to Jess, and in some sense, to my mom – even now. I firmly believe that although she may not be able to place the face, she knows Debby’s love.

When it is all said and done, Debby, I’ll never forget your love for my mom and your unwavering support over the years. Love you so much.

Faith, Friends, and Brain Overload

01 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Ann Napoletan in Eason House, HomeReach, Mom, Ruminations, Support system

≈ 5 Comments

Renee sitting with her best friend today at Eason House

I have so many thoughts running through my head. I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to organize them, but I just can’t seem to do it.

Mom had a good night last night, a so-so morning, and a good afternoon. Even when she started to yell or get upset, I was able to easily redirect her. We walked quite a bit, and just before I left, she’d finished an Ensure and was even making some funny faces and laughing with us. Such a (((great))) thing to see.

As promised, a hospice nurse called this morning to check on us. Talking to her reassured me once again that we made the right decision in going with HomeReach. I hope the experience continues to be as good as it’s been thus far…

Today was my dear “nephew’s” wedding, and although we didn’t stay for the reception, I couldn’t imagine missing the ceremony. I don’t think I was in the room for five minutes before bursting into tears for no other reason than the music and room were beautiful, my mom’s sister was there, and my mom would have loved to see Brandon on his wedding day. She absolutely adored him. As far as the reception, it just didn’t feel like the right time for us to be at a party all things considered, and neither Jess nor I were in the proper state of mind. To be honest, I think our presence would have put a damper on it for everyone.

Just when I start to feel stronger and as though I might have it together, something happens and I fall apart again only to realize that I’m not okay at all. In a way, I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. This week may have been the first time throughout this entire journey that I have accepted my emotions as they are. I can’t deny them or apologize for them. It is what it is. I’m doing the best I can, and that’s all I can do.

I think I’ve mentioned how overwhelmed I’ve been by the support Jess and I have received, especially this past week. It continues to blow me away, and as I said, it makes me want to strive to be a better person myself. While at the wedding, I got a text from Eason House saying that Mom had a visitor. It was one of Jess’ very first clients from back in the Bally days; she’s been training with her ever since and is one of the most kind, caring people I’ve ever met.

She has a very strong faith and has been praying for us throughout. Earlier this week, she told Jess that even though she never knew “gram,” she wanted to visit – she wanted to see the woman Jess had spoken of all these years. After visiting, she left Jess a voice mail telling her how it went, that she felt like they really connected, and she will be going back again. I am in awe of Caroll, really. That is indeed a very special person. I don’t think I can convey how much her kindness to all three of us means right now.

The same goes for everyone who has called, messaged, dropped off food, visited, said a prayer for us, offered help, or just sent some positive vibes our way. I can’t stress enough how much we truly appreciate all of you…